There’s a saying that a black belt is just a white belt that didn’t stop when things got difficult and just kept on training. I’m finding it difficult to find inspiration in that.
Lately, training in jiu-jitsu is frustrating and all I have to show for my efforts is just me getting more hurt.
Yesterday I was paired up with a large, dumpy blue belt to drill sweeps with. He asked if I could stand up so he could work on Dela Riva sweeps. When the fairly simple sweep didn’t work as well as he wanted it to he proceeded to drive his hips into the side of my thrice-injured twice-surgery knee like he was jumping into closed guard.
Knowing that the crap was going to hit the fan I went down to the mat as quickly as possible in the hopes that he’d ease up and let go. Nah, instead, he climbs up further on my leg and pushed his weight down on the follow through.
That’s when I heard the pop.
I yelled at him to get off of me and immediately went to R.I.C.E. my knee. This freaked everyone in the class who’s known about my surgery and my knee, especially Tomari-sensei.
Dumpy offered a half-hearted apology before moving over to the side to do push-ups.
I can walk. I can bend my knee. I still have the same range of motion as previous to this. I can support weight on my right leg.
However, my knee doesn’t feel the same. It feels off. There is a slight dull uncomfortable pain at certain angles, and even though the pain doesn’t linger it’s a reminder of all the times my mobility was hindered because of my injuries and especially of my time after surgery.
As much as I adore jiu-jitsu I’m more appreciative of having the ability to move and walk around under my own power as well as being able to sit cross-legged comfortably.
Ever since I’ve come back to training jiu-jitsu it hasn’t been fun and that perhaps is the strongest indication something is amiss. Right now, it’d be easy to walk away and feel no regrets about leaving. Seriously.